I am tired of looking at white. All I see when I look out my window is white. I am not alone in this. Two thirds of the country are looking at white. I have come to hate white. I like green. I like buds and leaves and grass.
I expect some of this. After all, I live in New England. Southern New England, but New England none the less. I expect any day to hear news of the glaciers moving south once more. I've never been enthused about winter, but the older I get the less I like it.
I have a plan. I want to bring back global warming. I know, some of the numb brained politicians (that may be redundant) will tell you that global warming is an ongoing problem. Bull. That's just another way to extract money from you to give to their friends and supporters.
But think of the advantages. Longer growing seasons would mean more and cheaper food. More beach time. Nicer clothes. No big coats and mukluks. Warm sun to cure the chilblains. The advantages are endless.
I have never believed that human activity contributed much to any possible global warming. But if we made a concerted effort I'll bet we could. And, would you believe, I have an idea how we, together, might get this done. First, if you have one or more cows feed them Brussels sprouts. Our government claimed, and who could doubt them, that cow flatulence was a large contributor to global warming. In my experience, nothing creates flatulence any better than a good bowl of sprouts.
If you have teenage boys feed them legumes. Lots and lots of legumes. Your sons will appreciate your efforts, as it give them all kinds of opportunities to be inappropriate and yuk it up at awkward times. And that is a teen age boy's joy.
Buy larger vehicles and drive, drive, drive. I know gasoline is expensive, but we must all sacrifice. American people are clever. I know all of you out there are already thinking of more and savvier ways to increase your carbon footprint. Thank you all for your efforts. Together we will be able to push that glacier back and once again grow corn in Greenland.