Monday, April 14, 2014

Liberals Against Flatulence

It seems that our all knowing President, in his infinite wisdom, has the ultimate solution for man made (sort of) global warming. It is rumored that he will either appoint a new czar or, perhaps, create a new cabinet post. The new title will be Czar or Secretary of Flatulence.

I think that he may have the problem in hand there. But there are still some things that must be considered. Although the person inhabiting this office should be close to the seat of government (so to speak), the political air in Washington might hamper the ability to sense the country's needs. I would suggest someplace upwind of our capitol to allow proper oversight or oversmell or whatever.

My understanding is that to kick off the campaign for a methane free country the President is going to use his trusty pen to plug the hole. A Presidential Order shall be forthcoming to ban the preparation, sale, and consumption of baked beans. This order will be written on tissue paper just in case. The AARP has already asked for an exemption for senior housing. Another plan is to make passing gas in public building illegal. The attorney General, it is said, did not turn up his nose at this idea.

This is an excellent job creator and jobs creation is sorely needed. Literally thousands of flatulence inspectors will be sent forth to the nations farms, grazing lands, and pastures. They will be known as Federal Area Reconnaissance Teams. Or FART for short. The only job qualifications will be, good rubber boots and a sensitive proboscis. It is unclear at this time what action these inspector are expected to take. By the time they get wind of a problem, it will be to late to do anything about it. Any solution involving round pieces of cork could be very dangerous both to the animals and the inspectors.

Since these critters eat grass, hay, and silage, the baked bean solution won't help.  I suppose we could all go vegan but that would be a hard sell verging on impossible. Since the temperature hasn't risen in seventeen years, we probably have a little time before the methane problem becomes critical. I know that the liberals are against all flatulence except their own. But, I fear this could blow up in their faces.

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