Step right into my tent ladies and gentlemen. This show runs continuously. That's it, push right up to the front and listen carefully. We can cure all your ills. We have sought the "Font of all Knowledge" and in searching have found that we are, in fact, that Font. My name is Dr. Obama and I will be your guide as we explore what you need to know and what you must do to assure you and your descendants have futures that will be golden through time immemorial.
The first thing you must understand is that you must enter that meditative state called "suspension of disbelief". As the "Fount of all Knowledge" I will impart my own brand of wisdom that is far to deep and complicated for the mere mortal mind to comprehend. But with my super powers I can impart this wisdom in a form that will be very useful to you. In fact I, in my infinite generosity, will be happy to give each one of you a religious tract that I have written, at no charge, that explains my philosophy in very simple terms that even you simple folks may understand. It is called "A Plan For Jobs & Middle-Class Security".
Now there are those that will tell you that this looks like the same text that I have been using for the past four years. They all lie. Do not believe that trash talk. This is all new. See? New paper. New ink. New pictures. Therefore, new plan. Besides the old plan really worked well. Look around you and see how much better things are. OK enough looking around. Please stay focused on me. Remember, I am the"Font of all Knowledge". Since this new plan is four years newer than the old plan it is going to work so much better than even that great old plan worked.
There are some that say I am selling snake oil. I did have some snake oil, but I used it all up to grease the rails for green energy. I know that green energy had some problems at first. That was because of a curse by that evil shaman called Bush. We were forced to make sacrifices to get rid of the curse so we gave a lot of your money to 6 or 8 companies that went right down the tube hopefully taking that curse with them.
There has been a rumor that green technology is not ready for prime time. Do not believe that. As the "Fount of all Knowledge", if I say it is so it must be so.
And thank (enter your favorite deity) that the price of fossil fuels has moved so high. It certainly helps to prevent a lot of excess usage. People are driving far less lately. Since a lot of them don't have jobs it becomes a lot easier to get them to not drive. Hey, I'm just glad you folks pay for the gas for that huge limo you gave me to ride around in. You know a round of golf is expensive enough without paying for gas too.
And, of course, we have managed to shut down a few coal mines. Those are dirty jobs anyway and I'm sure the people that were working in the coal industry are grateful to me for handing them the opportunity to find new work. That is one thing about me I am all about opportunity.
One of my magic cures is called EPA. They have really run with the ball for me. They are finding all kinds of new ways to help small business avoid making the mistakes of the past. Every day they are coming up with new regulations to show small business the way to success. And, along the way, all those fines the levy are a great source of income for my tent show.
The last and greatest of my powerful tools to improve everyone's life is called "taxmegeddon". It has all those evil Republican witch doctors quaking in their boots. Once my subjects anoint me for another four years I can be as intractable as I want. I will own those contrary little Republicans. I might even appoint myself Dear Leader for Life. It worked for my buddy Ugo. That sounds good to me.
Wait a minute. What's that noise? Why is that guy hooking up that wrecker to my tent? Hey he's starting to pull my tent down. What does that say on the wrecker door? Oh no, it says "Romney's Repair Service".